What’s a shaking internet people? Hope you’re staying safe during these testing times and still finding a will to live. I know I don’t (that is a joke, im fine)
I am aware I haven’t written in a long time. We’re currently in the middle of a pandemic, stuck in our own houses and you would’ve thought that I’d write more but I just didn’t feel like it. Trust me, I have over 5 unfinished documents that I just forgot about and would later just delete.
But over the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling sad almost all the time so here I am trying to do the one thing I know that could make me feel a little bit better.
So, I got my university admissions result the other day (Yeay, me!)
The day the results came out, most of my friends were elated. I was so proud of each and every one of them even if some results didn’t go according to plan. Congratulations and words of wisdom were exchanged throughout the whole day. I replied every text joy but the truth is, I haven’t felt this amount of sadness in a long time.
Everyone was beyond excited while I sat there staring at my phone with this feeling tugging at my heart. Then, I realized I had opened my photo gallery and I started going through all the pictures from my high school days. It hit home so hard. Seeing my smiling face among a crowd of close friends made it harder for me to admit we were all going different ways. We were growing up and I hated it.
In any situation, I was always the last one to move on. I used to have a hard time making friends but when I did, I had an even harder time letting go. I remembered when I first entered high school, I was so hung over my secondary school friends for months. Thankfully, two of them got into the same school as me. So, you see my problem. This was 10 times worse.
When you spend 5 years eating, sleeping and doing almost everything with the same people, it gets harder to actually move on. I may not show it often but I love all my friends. Even if I’m not close to all my batchmates, every one of them played a significant part in my high school experience. We went through hell together and it makes me appreciate them more. If thinking about them makes me sad, what do you think I feel when I think about my more closer friends?
It may be just a short 5 years but those years are responsible for a big part of who I am today. I remember my teacher once told me, “Look around you, these people are the friends you will have for a lifetime. Why? Because they are the people who watched you find yourself. No matter how close or not you are, they grew with you.” I believed her. These people didn’t just watch me grow, they contributed to it too. I mean, my sense of humour (or lack of), basically came from them.
I have so many crazy memories from high school.
From sabotage mysteries (1 Theta if you know you know hehe) to illegal class trips to theme parks. We broke some rules and almost got suspended for missing an exam while we went to Terengganu and we also lost a friend right in front of our eyes. We won some competitions and lost even more. There were sleepless nights during exam week and there were the lazy weekends where we ate so much in our dorms. I remember the movie nights where we slept over in other dorms and mornings where we danced in the hall. Somewhere along, I had my first heartbreak and I had boy trouble. I learnt lessons and I made mistakes. I had my ups and downs. And it was my friends and family who witnessed all this. It was them who had my back.
Even when it came to friends, I had crazier experiences.
One of my closest friends started off as the person I hated so much. I even distinctly remember me and her sitting in the school office because we got into a huge fight. But she then became my inseperable twin tied at the hip. We did everything from staying up late watching Korean dramas to having a spa day in our dorm room. There was Lisa and Ren whom I have known since I was 7. These two have been beside me for as long as I can remember. Even if I argue with them and don’t speak to them for 2 months, they still stood by me, wacking my head when I did stupid things. Then I got my first guy best friend whom I love to death. There wasn’t a day without gossip with him. As I started my debate journey, I made another close friend who I always went to for hugs. Some days, I think I get my strong opinions from her. Through these five, I found five other people who I can safely say I would not survive high school without. The alien who always cheered me up on my bad days, the mother figure who on her good days convinced me to do even more stupid stuff, the talkative girl who always knew how to chase my insecurities away and the doggo who never stops encouraging me.
With the plus side of an awesome 5 year roommate who has seen me at my very worst yet was fierce in telling me I was strong and basically knew my whole family history , high school could not have been better.
And that is the cause of my pain today.
I know without a doubt I will never forget these people. Not for the life of me. However, these days, I always get this feeling that I am replacable. I can’t help myself from feeling that I will be forgotten. I would like to believe I am as important to the people around me as they are to me but what if I was forgettable. It’s a possibility but I also need to remember I cant control everything. So I guess I can just hope that time wont eat away our friendship.
We didn’t even get to graduate.
Growing up watching too much tv, I always imagined my high school graduation. Standing in a sea of robes and tear-stained faces and taking pictures that would last forever. I even had a speech for my friends prepared. We would have stood together, reminiscing the things we did and laughed when we looked back at the old us. The school halls would have witness our last moments as a batch and we would have roamed the grounds hoping to remember everything. I wanted to see all my friends in one place for one last time but I guess God has other plans for us. Better ones, I hope.
When I first walked through the halls of my old school, I never once expected I would be leaving with people who I would heartbreakingly miss. You guys proved me wrong.
I wish all of you the best of luck a person can come by. In the wise words of a famous singer, we’ll keep this love in a photograph. And I assure you, those photographs will not be kept in the pocket of my ripped jeans, but hanging all around my future dorm room as a reminder of the people I would always pray for. People I need to remember.
I’ll be fine. Maybe I’ll be sad for a few more days but eventually, I’ll be okay. I always am. Although, at any moment you find yourself needing a friend, I’m always here for an advice or two. As time passes, I’ll always be the Addy you know and love. You can count on that.
Love, Dee
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