It has been ages since I've checked up on this dusty page, and there can only be one single reason for it :
I am once again seeking sanctuary in my own words, returning to the root of my whole being. This always feels like a homecoming. This will always feel safe.
Hello everyone, I hope this finds you well. I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I have for the very very few who are still here with me, on this very unpredictable writing journey. You have my whole heart.
Here, I come bearing a multiplicity of baggage, both happy and sad. That is basically the essence of who I am, I guess. Always toeing the lines between joy and pain. That aside, one of my goals for 2022 is to write more, just for the sake of writing. No obligations. No commitment.
Just a positive output for a recovering pessimist.
Okay back on topic : Dee's Life Update
The biggest one yet? I made it into Law School ! Yeay...?
It may not come as a shocking news to those who have known me forever, but it was to me. Never once did I imagine my life going down this path, not as a little girl and not even one year ago. But that's the very thing that makes life exciting isn't it?
The surprise of it all.
That no matter how much calculation you put into your plans, life will always choose the uncharted path. And I wholeheartedly believe, it's what God thinks is best.
As much as I used to complain, I am not at all regretful of the journey that led me here. How could I when it introduced me to so many new things and most of all new people : both temporary and the ones who are now permanent fixtures in my life. At least I hope.
This journey of literal blood and tears led me to my current best friends, whom I cherish for the fact that they got to meet the new version of me. The version that is more mature, and less ashamed of the things she loves. A happier version, I'd like to say.
Wow. I'm making this whole thing sound like a graduation speech, when in truth, my first semester just started. But these words are well deserved. God knows the struggles I went through just to BE here. Both as a student and as a living, breathing human.
Somewhere along the way, I lost so many pieces of myself to this darkness that visits me at times I feel the most lonely. I could feel myself slowly slipping away from the first moments of my teenage years. What I didn't know was that part of that darkness came from a piece of me that was too burnt out but never knew how to communicate that fact.
I took a long, but necessary, break after the end of A2. 10 months to be precise.
Up until the start of my vacation, I did not realise how tired I was from the non-stop 14 years of slaving away for academic validation.
In those 10 months of rest, I slowly started to see myself for something other than a constant cycle of examinations. I started healing.
It's funny how the moment I took a step back from education, I started seeing things more clearly. Dont get me wrong, I still have NO idea who I will be in the future, but at least I am no longer looking at the bigger picture. Bigger pictures scare an overthinker like me. The smaller ones help keep me focused, and what else can I do in the long 10 months, except focusing on the tiny stuff.
I got a job (for about two months) which made me realise I am absolutely not equipped for the business world. Although, it was a really great practice in increasing my patience. Seriously, the podcasts I listened to help me calm down while dealing with misogynistic customers probably saved me from a criminal charge.
I read, a lot.
The limitless reading time was the thing that brought the little girl in me infinite joy. And I guess, is what gave me a sense of normalcy again. I forgot how good it felt to have no obligations besides chores and finding out how the story ends.
With the excessive reading, also came the excessive amount of money I spent on books (sorry mom *hugs*). But the bright side is that I reached my yearly goodreads goal in August !
I started driving school...if you can consider going to one single class and developing an irrational fear of handling automobiles as "started driving school" then yeah, yeay me !
That's what happened up until June, where things took a sudden downhill turn.
"When bad things happen, it's just a precursor to a whole lot of good. You have to trust God's plan"
I said this to my mom when our family went through a rough patch around the end of June. It was an echo of her own words she always reminded me of when I was at my very worst. It sounds very very cliche but at the end of the day, it keeped me grounded.
In June, I went on a short trip to Ipoh with my most favourite travel buddy. We've been talking about it for months, but we never really thought we'd go until the hotel bookings were finalised. We surprised one of my other close friends there, and got lost more than twice trying to find our way around. It wasn't at all luxurious, but it felt like one of the best trips I ever took.
The day we went back , we realised one of us left their whole card holder in Ipoh (Hint : It was definitely not me), so our 1 week trip turned into a 2 week staycation while waiting for the postman to send the card holder back to KL.
One of my favourite aunt's got engaged not long after that. It was all very bittersweet because it felt like losing her, when in turn, I was just gaining a new family member. Here's to hoping her wedding day doesnt happen during my finals, or else I'd find a way to sneak out eventually.
The 10 months felt excrutiatingly long at first but it passed by in a heartbeat. Suddenly, preparations for classes started and my anxiety came back full forced.
No matter how much I've healed and how much more optimistic I had gotten, it was in the very essence of my being to be a professional worrier.
Could I really do this? Could I really pull of Law School?
Or is this just another chance for me to disappoint the ones who have given everything for me to be here?
Validation from my loved ones didn't work. This was a problem I've been dealing with since the moment I could talk. My brain works 100 business days ahead of the task at hand which makes it impossible for me to NOT worry. But i'm 20 now, and on my good day, i have some semblance of control over what goes on in my head.
It's been 4 weeks since classes have started, I can't believe it went by this fast. And just like my parents said, I am still okay.
I've been putting in much more effort than I did during Alevels, and this time around, I plan to not do too much in too little time. I have this reward system in place to make sure I dont overwork and burn myself out like I did before.
Life outside of studying has been a bit, hellish. I won't get into this for some reasons, but I've had multiple breakdowns in a matter of days which simply indicates that I have to go home and recharge.
Home means my house. And home also means here.
So there you have it, the story of my life for the past year.
I am still very bitter with the fact that I am now in my 20s, but they say this is supposed to be the best years of your life.
The Roaring 20s they say.
That is yet to be determined but I think I'll keep that mindset for when the darkness visits. There is no time to waste being sad and depressed.
I have memories to make, and a degree to finish.
See you on the other side, I guess.
With Love,
Dee
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