This was something I wrote a few weeks ago during AS Trials when I was not really myself. Here's to the struggles.
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I have no energy for gracious greetings my sweet people but sending love to all of you anyways. So, life update. Haven’t done one of these before but I needed an excuse to moan and rant about nothing and everything so here goes.
*inhales deeply*
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL WAS THAT
*internal screaming*
Somewhere in the future, when I publish my first novel, I am going to put these words in the book dedication section :
For the angels who survived A-Levels, may sanity be yours again
The girl who thought it was a good idea taking three essay-based subjects is definitely not me. And the audacity I had, taking four initially? Such optimism. Such bravery. Now I understand why the minimum subject requirement is three. I mean, even three is a handful. Im sorry in advance, this post will not have my usually complex and flowery sentences because I do not have the mental capacity for that now.
A few weeks ago, our AS Trials started. I think that was when all hell broke loose. In the span of two weeks, me and my friends were running fully on mountains of energy drinks and three hours of sleep. We were basically dysfunctional zombies who would prefer just dropping dead. It was funny in a way, seeing how all of us collectively shared one braincell and just fought through it. Some of us almost didn’t make it for the paper. Okay, that can be seen as concerning to the public but it was hella funny to us.
I cant even begin to explain the state of my mental health at that time. I was torn between making everyone around me proud or just doing my best because my best, on some days, just isn’t enough. I know, I know. Lecture almost everyone about the importance of mental health over studying but when it comes down to it, my choices were blurred. It was never just a clear choice between self-care and success. Achieving one demanded the sacrifice of the other. And I could not afford to sacrifice the latter because a lot was riding on it.
Crying was inevitable. Well, I wasn’t that strong to begin with. In the face of adversity or difficult roads, I usually end up doubled over on the floor with streams of tears. But the fact that I push through, despite the outcome, and just surviving could earn me some points in the ‘resillience’ section. It’s a terrible ugly path everytime exams come, but it is a path I never failed to cross, even if I end up crawling through it.
Honestly, you couldn’t even pinpoint one mentally stable A-Levels student (or just any student in general).
When results came out, I was beyond disappointed with myself. I literally felt like I did mounds better, answer clearer and actually had time to complete everything. At least, I expected more than what I got. I can’t- SO FRUSTRATING. I know this should be good enough and I should be proud of the improvements I made, but I can’t stop thinking that maybe this is all I could ever be. The bare minimum. A shadow of the student everyone was proud of.
I sound ungrateful.
Oh god, I am insufferable.
Let’s try to look on the brighter side of things. Despite what I feel, things did improve. My Law essays are cleaner now and I jumped up a grade (even if it is still unsatisfactory). And I put my everything into my Literature essays and my results would qualify as really okay in the real exam so I should calm down. Although I haven’t gotten my Sociology paper yet, Im sure things will go fine. I think I did most for Sociology, because Miss Yoong deserves the world and I didn’t want to keep disappointing her. If you somehow read this, YOU ARE A KIND-HEARTED SOUL I LOVE YOU.
Wow, this life update is really going everywhere. If you’re confused reading this, I apologise. This is 10% of my very cluttered headspace and it’s like having five tabs open in my brain. Nothing is fully developed and you can hear elevator music somewhere.
Despite the crying, the lack of sleep and the fraying of our very logical thinking, I have had the time of my life.
Yeah yeah, such a typical thing for a college girl to say. Im gonna say it anyways *sticks out tongue*
I try very hard to remind myself ; we do not remember anything but the fleeting joyous and carefree moments
Someday when I look back to these past few weeks, I would only remember the sleepless nights I spent with some amazing people. We would down Redbulls and still fall asleep anyways with the FRIENDS theme song running in the back. I would remember the conversations we had until the break of dawn, with looming Law papers the next day. The chaotic commotion in the common kitchen while we tried to cook with notes waiting on the table. The last-minute grocery runs and shopping sprees and movie nights and karaoke sessions in between. These are those moments. The very essence of my college life that would eclipse all of the struggles and mini failures along the way. The miniscule events that we forget to capture in film, but will follow us to the grave.
But I try to capture it anyways. Which is why I am always recording (my friends find it funny and irritating some times but they play along anyways haha)
In the end, those are what truly makes us.
As im writing this, im almost towards the end of the my trials. It’s still the same rodeo, preferably with a new and different outcome. And I may or may not be the same girl who started this page. I don’t know, but this time, I’m gonna be okay with not knowing.
Keep your heads high and spirits strong, my friends.
Love, Dee <3
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