I started writing this in December and had a hard time finishing it in time for G's birthday. But here goes.
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Dear Grandpa,
It's been a while, hasn’t it? I have been sending you prayers every chance I get. On some days I forget, but I hope you have it in your heart to forgive me.
Today, you would have been 86.
86 years brimming with prosperity and good health, surrounded by people who marvel at your success.
86 years of respect and honour. 86 years, with a heart so full, a grandfather.
If you haven’t known by now, I am freshly 18. I would like to believe that I have outgrown my mischievous antiques, but mom would beg to differ. Well, you never really cared for my mischief. It was always something you smiled at and that in turn, made me full.
Alea has grown too. However, your prediction of the girl she would be was almost strikingly accurate. She is still as stubborn as ever, but she’s headstrong with firm beliefs which drives mom crazy almost every single day. Deep down, I know mom sees a bit of herself in her. There’s a piece of you in there too.
Danial, on the other hand, is not very different from me. He’s slowly inching towards the teenage rebellious stage but he has a very big heart. He never really got to know you, but trust that we remind him of you every single day. Usually, he smiles at our stories but I know his heart yearns to understand you like we do.
You never got to meet Adam and Sophia and they never had the chance to meet you too. When we were their age, you would take us to wondrous places. Every year, we got new adventures from you. Since you’re not here, all of us do our best to take on that specific duty. To show them the world just like you showed us. It’s not the same but it will have to do. I believe with all my heart, that if you were here, you would smile at their antiques too.
Shocking isn’t it? How much time has passed.
So many things have changed.
So many moments.
So many new memories.
So. Many.
However, I remember you as vividly as the stars in the night sky. Somehow I can still hear your voice, passing on advice, at times I need it most. And I have heard it at every life-defining moment after 2010.
Whenever I start someplace new, I would see your proud smile at the back of my mind. Whenever we fight, I would hear you commanding us to stop. Whenever I achieve something new, and I would run to call my parents and grandma, there would always be a split second where I allow myself to wonder how it would be to tell you. Just a second, before I am reminded that you weren’t there.
It was hard after you left.
Who am I kidding? ‘Hard’ couldn’t begin to describe it. We were all a mess and we were trying desperately to pick up the pieces.
I know I was merely a child when it happened, but even at 11, I listen and observe very well.
I think Grandma felt most of the effects of your absence. Although you were the kind of person who didn’t exactly know how to show affection, you were always there. And as I grew older, I started to realise the depth of loneliness she would feel at night, with an empty space in her bed. I guess this is where the perks of a really big family came in.
We knew none of us could take away her grief, but we were hell-bent on lessening the sadness to the minimum for her. For the first few years after you were gone, we made sure Grandma never slept alone.
When you were alive, you were feared. Nobody dared take a step out of line or did anything to offend any of us. With you gone, some people thought it was okay to take advantage of the children you left behind. At first, I was worried. I overthink a lot about situations that don’t concern me. But I forgot one thing.
The children you left behind, were raised by you. They inherited the fire you had.
And even while grasping at frayed ropes, they made sure people still feared the family name.
On holidays, especially eid, your absence seemed to be magnified. Not only emotionally, but physically. Grandma’s house used to be filled with people and now, only the ones who mattered stayed. That’s the beauty of loss, isn’t it? We finally knew who really stood with us.
We knew our small circle was all we needed.
Family above all else.
You taught your children that. And you taught me that too.
We were a mess, and we still are on some days.
People looked up to Mom for advice on almost everything because she was one of your closest confidantes and I knew it was tiring. To carry your pride and you responsibilities on her shoulders. It was a lot for one person to bear. But she has Grandma and she has Bonda. And she has us too. Don’t worry, no matter how much we all fight, by your memory will we stand with each other.
As for me, I’ve been thinking about you quite frequently lately. I can’t explain why. So I decided to write this letter to you, in hope that it helps remind me of you more. Im scared I’ll forget and I cant afford to.
I wish you were here. I wish you could see the person I am today. I wish you were one of the people I can call everytime I have news. I wish and wish and wish.
No matter how heavy it is, I know that I carry your name. All of us do. And we try everyday to make right by it. We slip sometimes. A lot of times. But we are trying.
I didn’t get the chance to make you proud. Or maybe some part of little me did. I hope so. If I could have had you for a bit longer, I knew you would be one of my best friends. Just like grandma is. We would have more short drives in the city that make Mom worried sick. I would have more days lounging in the office because you loved bringing me and Alea along.
We would have more time.
But Allah knows best.
Our time was limited, and I am grateful I had the chance to be your granddaughter.
We lost you but we still had Grandma. And she juggled the grandparent role really well. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her. I pray harder now that God allows her the time you didn’t have. I have to make her proud. I have to.
No matter how much I change and grow, I keep the little girl you knew safe inside until we meet again in the Hereafter.
I will forever be your little Diana.
Happy 86th Birthday Atok.
With love and prayers,
Dee.
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