What's shaking internet people ?! Lower the pitchforks ladies and gents, your girl's back and she did not disappear on purpose. I had to use all my willpower to carefully structure today's entry and not type out of sheer excitement because it is something I really want other's to understand. Brace yourselves, this is going to be a long one.
Important side note : I really hope nobody feels left out. If you're one of my old friends, you guys are super important to me. Please don't feel otherwise.
Look at this picture, tell me, what do you see? If I was asked of this before, my answer would be simple : protest. That's what it was, wasn't it?
To go against a majority's belief with opinions of your own, what other meaning could it possibly bring?
Ask me that question now, and I would have a three page essay of what I think that image portrays. I could easily see freedom and hope in between the black and white. What changed? Honestly, my view on the world did. It's funny how one month and a half could open my eyes to wider horizons compared to years of education ( nope, not degrading anyone here so carry on )
In January 2020, an opportunity came knocking at my door and it went by the name Malaysia Future Leaders School Tier 3. Now before any of you start rolling your eyes, yes, this entry is a tribute to said programme. I'm not ashamed to acknowledge that fact because it gave me a lot and this is my personal way of giving back. Let's move on. So, MFLS. Never in a million years would I ever expect that I would be picked out of thousands. When I joined Tier 2, it was solely to prove my peers wrong when they said I wouldn't survive any form of physical activity. Well, boo to all of you who underestimated me. Just kidding, I mean no offense whatsoever hehehe. However, when the letter for tier 3 came, something in me shifted. I had always been a fan of making a difference in the world but nobody usually listened to my rants about inequality blah blah blah except for my debate team mates and my close friends. That acceptance letter made me realize that somebody actually did pay attention to my ramblings and I took it as a sign. A sign that maybe, just maybe, I had something special in me. My parents had no issue with my choice to go to a 42 day training course so my journey began.
My first day there, I was already engulfed with insecurities. Phew, it was a hot mess. Everywhere I looked, I saw clear faces of success. Stories of international champions and recognised debaters surrounded me and it really gave me a sense of being in a crowd of the nation's best youths. It made me question my self-worth almost immediately. I won competitions too. So what? The kid sitting next to me won awards. See? Being among greatness stripped away all that made me feel special until I was left feeling bare and alone. Any dream of being a future advocate was gone. All I wanted to do was go back to my family. In all honesty, I have never felt lonelier.
Then, I was given the utmost pleasure of meeting a group of silly yet amazing people with the biggest hearts ever. Jes, Hanys, Ness, Tia, Fatt, Danish, Rajab, Aqsa, Faaiz, Maiel, Faizal, Azim, Akmal, Chong, Izzat, Lan, Sis Eka, Sally, Fawa, Mai, Soo, Atul, Mai and Bunga. I'm smiling right now just by seeing this picture and the memories behind it (It was taken the night before we went back). We met on day 2, with me still beaten down by my thoughts. Right after introductions, we were immediately given our first assignment : a video for our Luncheon Talk with YB Syed Saddiq on the next day. Before MFLS, I had a hard time making friends and usually, on first days, I'd be quiet and mainly observing. It's not that im a closed-off introvert, it's just I don't feel so comfortable starting a new relationship. Surprisingly enough, I had an instant click with these goofballs. Imagine, right off the bat of knowing each other, we cracked jokes like we were long lost best friends. Just by knowing them, I felt a little at ease. Being surrounded by successful people did not mean that they were unfriendly. But still, those insecurities were there, hanging around in my mind making a mess of things.
To be the cream of the crop has it's perks. We were all fresh out of high school yet we were served with privileges others spent a lifetime wishing they could experience. One of it was a personal luncheon event with the chief minister of youth and sports himself. As a debater, YB Syed Saddiq was not a foreign name. In the debating world, he was a straight up icon. During lunch, he gave a speech. The thing that stood out to me most was his simple advice to us : if you're heart is in the right place, anything is possible. It hit home more than I thought it would because of all things I was sure about myself, it was my passion. Me being in that banquet hall itself proved that my heart was in the right place, but I started to realise that maybe my mind wasn't. I got carried away with all these feelings of worthlessness that I lost sight of my goals. I came to Cheras to make myself a better person and that was what I should have focused on.
The coming days were eventful. For the first part of our training, we were handled by the Institute of Diplomacy and Foreign Relations. It was, um, not my forte but at least I learned something. The communication module was the one I was looking forward to solely because of the debate tournament. I was super pumped up, thinking finally, something I can actually do. Right? Nope, absolutely wrong. Somehow, I forgot the fact that everyone around me could also debate with no problem at all *cue mental breakdown*. Then, a really good friend of mine came along and literally shook me back to reality. She saw me crying behind the curtains (yeah, reallll mature) two days before the tournament and dragged me to the toilet. I have to say, she's quite amazing. After getting it through my head that I was equally as talented as anyone else, I forced her to become my debate partner. The whole tournament was a whirlwind of emotions. During the second round, we got lost on the way to the debate room and almost gave up but she kept on telling me "Santai (relax) je, Dee". This one's for you, girlfriend. If you're reading this, I am eternally thankful for your presence. Oh, and also to my team mates whom after every round, gather together and just bitch about. It really made me feel better :)
Another event that is embedded in my memories for life is the Open Mic. It was the last part of the communication module where each group had to go to respective spots around Kuala Lumpur and pitch their ideas to the public. My group got Public Healthcare and we were supposed to engage with the community around KLCC. That day was a day that changed something in me. No, seriously. This is not me being my dramatic self. That morning, I was running a fever and a gigantic migraine settled in my head. However, the thought of voicing out my beliefs to a group of strangers drove me to keep on moving. God, I don't know how to put this into words but being there, standing under the blazing sun on the verge of passing out, I felt a sense of overwhelming peace. As the voices of my friends filled the bustling streets, I knew with full certainty that I was meant to be here. All those stupid thoughts about not being as extraordinary as the other participants were gone with the wind. I was meant to do this. I could do this my whole life. On a simple regular day, with a group of young passionate teenagers, I found a purpose.
With a newfound confidence, I really got to enjoy the following days. We had a trip to the Royal Museum for the next module related to Nationalism. We had to paint a long ass version of our national flag. I'll put up a picture so you'll get an image of how things went down. It was a fun day, nothing out of the ordinary. We also got a rare opportunity to debate in the ACTUAL parliament with the presence of the ACTUAL speaker. No regular teenager can get this chance so we were all beyond excited. Of course, we were nervous because we never did this before but you know, these people just kept on surprising me. Before we entered the parliament, everyone was complaining about how scared they were but the moment the speaker opened the debate, BAM! I was so frustrated like HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE BE DAMN GOOD. Okay, at some point, they joked around and broke protocol but overall, for first timers, it was incredible. You can go ahead and watch the video im putting up and be as amazed as I was. Bear in mind that these people are fresh out of high school with little to none experience.
Oh, we also had a Sport's Day and guess what? Your girl (with zero coordination and has never ever entered a physical event in her life) played volley for the first time and won! It was only a silver award but meh, still an accomplishment to me. This is where I also made a huge discovery about myself. If you knew me, in any sort of way before tier 3, you would definitely classify me as the girl who hides away every at every single sports event. To be honest, I was that girl. I prefered cheering for my team rather than actually contributing. Wanna know why? I had zero confidence. Some people might not realise this about me (pftt) but I was never confident about my body. There were things I hated and I didn't want people seeing this ugly alien-like creature rolling across the field. Of course I was always a preacher about self-love. I lecture my friends about not giving a damn what people thought. But when it comes down to my own self, I cower. I have no exact idea what changed but throughout the 42 days, I have tasted the freedom of being my own flawed self. I randomly danced and I played like I was the only person there. Hell, there was even someone who would always join in. And it felt great. Scratch that, it was an amazing feeling.
Then, there was the volunteering module which was my favourite. My group was assigned a task where we had to raise funds for a Rohingyan Refugee school. The first day was basic training where some great icons came and taught us Volunteerism 101. The next day we were dropped of at Central Market and broke into groups of 5 to collect donations. Let me tell you, I have never known the true meaning of rejection until that day. I swear most of my friends vowed to never ignore people on the streets asking for funds anymore because we learned the hard way about the struggles of helping others. But that was volunteer work at its finest. Despite some dissappointment, a few surprises came knocking our way. One, we were attacked by protestors (because at that moment, we were basically the darlings of the government). No worries, it became quite a fun memory. It's not everyday you get to experience the ups and downs of politics at age 18 right?
The second surprise, came from the public. Before we went out in the field, we bet that we would not get much attention. It was Kuala Lumpur for goodness sake, where everyone was on the move or in a hurry. I guess the citizens proved us wrong. We actually got a lot of attention (and money hehe). However, it was always the ones we did not expect that actually helped us. Aunties and uncles in security guard uniforms or even the group of Indonesian maids on their way to an interview; these were the people who insisted on donating. One group even told us they were stopped by a homeless man who wanted to give some money. This is proof, dear readers, that humanity can be found in even the darkest of places. By the end of the day, we managed to raise RM18000. It's not much, but it was quite a feat for 250 partcipants to pull off in a day.
Oof, here comes one of the hard parts : Training Camp! I dreaded this module since I got the schedule. News flash, i was still not an outdoors kind of girl. It went on for 3 days and it was hell to get through, but if I'm writing this down then I must have learned something. While being forced to do physical activities, I learned a lot about friendship. All my life, never once did I not have my close friends by my side. In this situation, I was among people I have known for roughly a month. That fact didn't stop them from becoming my instant family. When we went trekking in the woods, I sprained my ankle (no surprise there) and I was so surprised when my friends stood by me. Both boys and girls. As we made our way back to the dorms after jungle trekking, the girls helped me walk. At dinner time, my old group mates kept asking if I was okay and I was so moved. Yes, I may have always had friends but usually only the close friends kept on worrying about me. But that day, I couldn't remember how many people yelled at me to go to get my leg checked and I love them to death for that.
And about that sprained ankle, I pulled through the whole programme, limping my way through. Old me would have given up at the first surge of pain but I pushed myself to finish the module. Up to this day, I am still very proud of myself for overcoming an obstacle. No way would I let anyone convince me otherwise.
MFLS Tier 3 was a midsummer night's dream filled with things I never knew I needed. Okay, a bit dramatic there but it feels that way. Days have passed by since I came back home but it still seems so surreal. There was no way I could fit in 42 days worth of memories into one blog post. I'm even writing a whole post about my trip to Cambodia because it needed an appreciation post all on its own. This programme changed me. Externally and internally. Just by being surrounded by future legends, I learned to be comfortable in my own skin. 42 days managed to teach me more about who I am as a single person than years of school ever did. Im a whole new person with the same beliefs and I would not have it any other way. Of course, this people in this programme itself are equally responsible in changing me.
I dedicate this post, all my memories and lessons, to the 250 future leaders who went on this adventure with me. You are all wonderful people with a lot of potential. I am 100% sure that one day, one of you would be leading this country ( im already placing my bets). To my group of crackheads, you got to know by now that I wouldn't have survived this without you guys. To be honest, I never had many close guy friends but tier 3 also changed that. Thank you Sabun, for always being there when I needed it. You guys may forget about me in a few years, but I will never, ever forget the kindness and love you have shown me. To my room mate, hah I cant even type without laughing, thank you for taking care of me. You guys saw my wild side yet still accepted me for who I was. This one's also for my coaches, though im not sure if they are reading this. Your guidance, even the littlest ones, have helped me through this. Last but not least, this one's for MFLS Tier 3 itself.
Some people spend their whole life trying to find where they belong. They keep trying to search for the thing that makes them happy. Lucky for me, at 17 years, I found out what I wanted to do my whole life. I want to keep experiencing the joy I felt when my voice was heard. This, in all its glory, was a calling. I am still so young and life has a lot in store for me but I was and will always be a leader. No matter how small the cause. It has been one hell of a journey my friends, too bad we're not done yet :))
Love,
Dee <3
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