This one goes out to all of you who has been by my side and to everyone who has supported me on this site. This blog was created as an outlet, but I guess miraculously, my rants have given wisdom to some people.
Oh where to begin?
Clearly when I posted my previous post, I had believed the worst of this pandemic was over. I may have sugar-coated the truth of it all. Maybe, it was out of optimism or maybe out of hope for the best but I think it was foolish. It’s the last day of 2020 and the world is still crashing and burning as we speak.
2020 was, in all it’s glory, a reality check.
If you would ask me what two words perfectly describes this year, I would be at a loss. And for someone who has a deep love for language, that is saying something.
This year can never be reduced to plain words but if you insist, the first thing that comes to my mind is Absolute Loneliness. Despite me gaining so many more friends these past few months than I have in a lifetime, it has been devastatingly lonely.
The feeling of loneliness does not come physically but rather mentally. I can’t quite explain it. I am constantly surrounded by people but still, I cant shoo away this ugly feeling. It’s like I am left with the comfort of own mind, which can be such a cluttered disaster, and it makes me crave human interaction. It makes me crave affirmation that I am loved. It made me feel, horribly and terribly, alone.
But I guess there is some truth when people say every cloud has its silver lining.
As bad as it felt, I had the time to reevaluate myself and the relationships I had with people around me. I have spent my whole life putting other people’s thoughts above my own. If you have been here since the start, you might remember my post about my micro-managing problem.
Being mentally alone made me look at myself from a different perspective and I started putting more value in my own well-being. I took no shit from others. If they threw shade or had vibes that made me uncomfortable, I cut them off. I was done being nice to everyone at the cost of my sanity. You need to know, you don’t have to explain to others why they make you feel bad.
In turn, I lost a few friends, but I gained many more.
Since January, I have been blessed with friends all over the country. From youth leader camps to college. Not to forget some of the rare gems I happen to befriend online. I was used to small circles of friendship because I wasn’t really the type of person who is easily liked. Out of nowhere, my circle grew ten times its size. It scared me at first but after that, it only brought comfort and lots of good memories. I found people who I never thought would cause such a huge difference in my life.
I guess, only when you feel the most alone, that you notice how big of a support system you actually have. That’s the beauty of it.
In terms of mental health, it is safe to say I have seen lows I could never begin to imagine. When I started college, I loved my course. I took all the subjects I am actually interested in and I finally understood how fun education can be when you are not forced to learn things that don’t suit you. I still love my subjects now, eventhough it’s really hard and I grasping, I never once actually feel like giving up. However, with online learning, mental breakdowns come hand in hand. The shower in my apartment has been my favourite place to cry. One of the reasons is because my shower schedule never overlaps with my housemates and I usually am alone so I can cry peacefully. And when I was thrown out of Selangor (kinda dramatic way of putting it) and sent back home, it got worst. It was harder to focus, and sucky internet connections are so fun (note sarcasm), but I really tried. I didn’t want to disappoint the people who paid for my tuition and this is where my anxiety comes to play more frequently. The fear of disappointment made meltdowns even worse. Not to mention, during my last paper, my phone shut down. Ah, the fundamentals of online learning.
Like I said, 2020 was a reality check.
Life was a mess. This pandemic brought out the best and also the worst in people.
People were either donating food and doing charity or drunk driving and abusing children.
Life. Sucked.
People were dying left and right and you would think we would have the decency to act humanely.
But that’s just it. This was life.
Some people do not have a moral compass. And death is inevitable. Stupidity? Well the human race has bucket loads of it. The worst case scenario will most likely happen. We are as destructive as it gets.
But despite all this darkness, some people are just brimming with faith that they manage to hope for all of us. Change in the society, that people have been fighting for for ages, suddenly happens in the midst of panic and sickness. Why is that?
Well, I learned that if I start questioning things like this, I will eventually go crazy waiting for answers. So the conclusion I made is that this was plainly life. There is loads of bad but the littlest of good can turn the whole world around. I sound like some old cheesy wisecrack.
I forgot how good it felt to write. God, I missed this. Another downside to this pandemic is that the demons in my head grew louder. It took away the love I had for writing and I was in a stump for months.
The year was ending, my fingers were itching. So I told my demons to stay away because writing was what made me who I am. This pandemic took away many things from me : time with the people I love, my college experience, my mental stability. If I let it take away this, than what defines me?
Yeah im rambling now but that’s what months of suppressed feelings do to you. (Sorry just bear with me like you always do)
Basically, the thing I want to remind all of you is something maybe most of us has learned this year :
Never take things for granted.
Not even yourself.
I know it has been hell. One disaster after another. But we made it to the end? And New Years Eve is meant for resolutions and hope for a better year. We hope that we do better. It was painful. People my age were stripped of the brutal first year college experience. Students lost the basic privilege of going to school and meeting friends. Little kids didn’t get to experience the outside world. We couldn’t experience those chaotic holidays with distant families.
We all lost something.
We are all still very much alive.
I humbly apologise if I had a part in making your year worse. To those of you who have been with me on this weird blog journey right from the start, I offer you so much gratitude. You also deserve an apology for putting up with the shit I talk about.
To my friends and family, thank you for just existing. I had the privilege of knowing the 2020 versions of all of you and no matter how bad it got, I am eternally grateful for the time we had together. I regret nothing. Not even the bad days.
Happy New Year people !
You are loved and you are alive.
You are still here. Make the best of it.
Love, Dee <3
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